Faith the size of a changing table?

One of the weird and interesting parts of parenting is how many lessons I learn in mundane things. I was changing Maia last week for the umpteenth time (can anyone actually keep track of the number of diapers they’ve changed? Thanks mum and dad. Serious. Thanks!) and I noticed that she’s barely fitting on the changing table now. I looked at her, from head to toe, lying there still for once – which meant I wasn’t fighting with her to keep her from grabbing the diaper, soiled with one or both numbers, from under her so that she could “explore” it – and it dawned on me how much she has grown.

I’ve found myself looking at her down on the ground stretching up to me or to Sam and thinking thoughts like “Boy, she’s small.” And “shouldn’t she be a bit taller than that by now?” And “has she grown in the last few months?” It’s a problem of proximity. Because I see her everyday it’s hard to look at her and recognize progress in terms of height. She looks very much the same. Other people, every now and then, comment that something or the other has changed, and I shrug and take their word for it.

But viewing her through the lense of the changing table – now I want to point out that I could go in a lot of directions from here. I’ve already started the “seeing” Maia through the changing table” metaphor. I could do the whole “un-changing changing table” thing. Temptation acknowledged. Choice of metaphor and style of expression aside, I finally was able to recognize how much taller she was. I vividly remember putting her on that changing table when she was a few weeks old – partially because one of her godmother’s was cautioning me about doing something wrong. I remember the fact that it didn’t matter that much whether her head was close to the top or in the middle of the pad. She would fit with so much room anyway. She’s much taller than she was then. I know it sounds obvious, but there’s a difference between accepting a fact because it must be so, and seeing it. The seeing does something that the accepting can’t. You marvel at things when you can see things for yourself.

So the lesson I had in mind when I started this post was about the way faith grows slowly and imperceptibly, much like Maia. I am so close to my faith, carrying it each day, impatient with it and often looking down on it, that I can’t see if it’s growing. It takes some reference point, some object to give a vantage point from which I can compare what it was to what it is, for me to see it’s growth. And that’s what tests are for. And I’m going through my fair share. Tests… much too nice a word for how they feel. Trials carries a bit more weight for me. Tribulations is chock-full of King Jamesy substantiveness and emotion. Tests definitely is too lightweight.

So I see much better through the changing table what Peter is saying when he says:-

“…now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6b-7

This hard slog is necessary if my faith is going to be shown to be genuine and is going to be shown to be growing, so that Jesus gets all the accolades he deserves.

The lesson I didn’t have in mind is how faith allows you to see. You can be handling the same facts and information and it’s not doing anything much for you or in you until, by faith, you see it – you’re convinced of it in a way you weren’t and you’re enthralled by it. And it barely makes sense, because all of the pieces were right in front of you, but you didn’t see it. I think that’s how faith naturally results in worship – which in itself seems to be inexplicable to those who can’t see it.

So to all the Saints – hold on in faith.  This ride will be over before we know it and we’ll be home and happy.

Bedtime Prayers

For the last several weeks we’ve been trying to get Maia to fall asleep more independently… to be precise, we’ve been trying to get her to fall asleep without the aid of breastfeeding or car rides. So, just in case it crossed your mind, yes, there are bedtime prayers prayed by Sam and myself along the lines of “Lord, let her stay down this time pleeeeazzz!” and “Oh Lord, not again!” (if you count the second type as a prayer rather than a complaint). And no, those are not really the ones I’m referring to.

Here’s what the bedtime routine is looking like now:-

• Goodnight’s to mummy (and anyone else around at the time)
• the brushing of the 5 teeth that have blazed a trail into the visible world by venturing out from underneath the gums… the same 5 teeth that she bit me on the leg with this afternoon (sigh)
• lying down in the crib while I sing her the bedtime song of the night (what I mean is she’s lying down… not me or the both of us), which is either a modified (read honed and improved) version of last night’s song or one fresh off the top of the head (the benefit/disadvantage of having a father who is a songwriter)
• and lastly, the bedtime prayer – which these days includes a spontaneous one of thanksgiving and requests as well as a traditional prayer.

So at last I’ve reached the point of this post – the traditional prayer. The first night I put Maia to bed in this way, by some sort of reflex or conditioning I thought to repeat a children’s bedtime prayer for her. The fact that I felt that way took me a bit by surprise, because among all the things one considers when you’re going to become a parent, or have become one, I don’t recall once trying to plan a bedtime routine before we started trying it. On the other hand it’s not that surprising considering my upbringing. Plus I’ve found that once I started parenting, I started to do all sorts of things that were done to me,  even things I recall not liking. Funny how that works.

What definitely took me off guard was the prayer I repeated. It was the first one that came to my mind and truth-be-told the only one so far that’s not hazy in my memory.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

Apparently it’s a classic 18th century children’s prayer. So I start to repeat it for Maia and I hear myself, and I’m a bit shocked. Does it strike you as a tad bit morbid for a children’s prayer? It felt that way to me on saying it again for the first time in… many years.  Death as a prominent theme in such a short prayer? I mean I know there’s the need to teach your children about death, but seriously? So I thought about it.

Near the start of the year I read Psalm 3 and I was very struck by verse 5:-

I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.

I realize that I, like most people I would figure, have come to take waking up for granted… as if it “should be”… as if it just happens. Worse than than, some mornings I’m actually a bit annoyed to be awake and to have to face the day. Even though the context is one in which David is dealing with enemies, I recognize that he’s celebrating the truth that each night’s sleep that we wake up from is because God sustained us (as compared to thinking that God is only “on duty” on the nights when we are aware of danger). It’s something to give God thanks for. I think it’s good to ask for it too, rather than just take it for granted that we will wake up the next morning.

I’ve repeated that prayer several times since that first time and I’ve come to think that it’s not morbid at all. It’s might be a little more “real” than we like being a lot of the time but I think that’s the extent of its crime, if that’s a crime at all. Death is a reality and none of us know when we will die. We hope our children outlive us but that doesn’t always happen. If Maia should die I do pray that God would take her soul. I don’t have a greatly developed theological position on what happens to infants who die but I do have a deep trust in God’s goodness and wisdom.  So I pray that God would keep her and that if he decides that it is best she die, that he would take her to himself. And I pray that when she’s old enough to understand that she would, by grace, have faith in him and that he would keep her walking the difficult path of faith until he takes her to himself.

These days I’m praying that I will grow to be more grateful, more consistently, for life and for sleep and for waking up.  I’m also praying that God would give me grace to honour and please him each day he sustains my life, which seems to me to be a reasonable way to live if I am genuinely grateful.

Interestingly I found that the last verse in Psalm 4 echoed the theme that caught my interest in Psalm 3:-

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Good night. Now I lay me down to sleep…

I’m back… an appropriate title

The last time I blogged was January 21, 2009. Well, that’s not entirely true. That was the last time I wrote anything for my own blog. I did a couple of entries for a dream that died while being brought to life – a concert I was involved in planning (we had a website and blog associated with it) – in September 2009. I think a small part of me is still mourning its death. It’s as if it’s sitting on the shoulder of my shadow and it looks me in the eye sometimes when I look back. It stings from time to time but I’m convinced it’s an ally rather than an enemy. I’m not as afraid of failure anymore, having now done it in such style. So I walk forward with it in tow behind me.

Updates

Having not blogged in such a long time a general update is warranted. I’m still running my own business and, I think, getting better at it each month. It’s making me “responsible”, which is a big thing for a person given to being as sporadic and inspiration-driven as I am (I only claim an “artistic temperament” for myself when a situation makes it a greatly convenient stereotype).

Maia, me (Joel) and Sam - Nov 2009

Family and marriage is stable. I’m beginning to embrace how much work and attention it takes to make it good. Maybe its a bit like gardening, but I’m only guessing since I haven’t done much of that. It seems to me to be a good analogy, despite my near total lack of hands-on experience. But I am embracing the need for more work and I’ve started to work.

Maia is growing like a weed – a simile which now suffers an undeserved worsening of its reputation the light of the above paragraph. Growing like a pleasant, enjoyable plant or vine? That doesn’t pop at all. To quote some random client I don’t know, it  ”needs wa-wa-woom!” “Weed” has that “wa-wa-woom” in my opinion, but it clashes with gardening completely. Suffice to say Maia is growing fast and learning fast – both very good lessons and some we’ll need to stamp out. She’s taken to opening the fridge and looking for stuff she wants (even if she has not idea how to prepare it). Parenting is challenging but I’m very grateful for her and for all I’m learning.

I’m trying to read through the Bible this year. I’m reasonable sure I’ve read everything in it but I’m trying to do so in a systematic way. So far so good. I’ve had some good times, and (maybe strangely enough) I’ve been enjoying the Old Testament more than the New. I’m still struggling to have a regular time that I spend with God, especially because getting up early seems completely unreasonable when you’ve been up even earlier negotiating with Maia. I’ve embraced the fight though. He rewards those who seek Him. Nobody said it was easy.

This blog was supposed to be about songwriting and music. It was supposed to chronicle a finite project, that I expected would have finished already. I’ve decided that is should just be a blog. I’ll still blog about music, but I’ve decided I should blog about life.

I might need to do a “how’s the music going?” post. I’m amazed a the number of people who still ask me that. I don’t feel like much of a musician, with how little I’ve accomplished in the last several years. Maybe I should take it as encouraging that so many people still see me as one. In any case the really short update is that there have been some songs and a lot of ideas in the last many months. I have new goals to pursue and people who are (hopefully still) interested in pursuing them with me. I’m growing as a writer and I’m curious to see what I’m becoming. Stylistically no two songs are that much alike now. But perhaps I’m too close to the work. Maybe if I can back off and hear it I’ll hear the similarities instead of the differences.

Where from here?

More blogging, more songwriting, more Bible-reading (and more reflections coming from that), more opinions on the things that catch my interests long enough to think about them seriously, etc. Let’s see what this becomes. I’m back.